I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
