Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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