I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
These tits shall not be calmed
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Pooping to opera.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
