when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
