my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
