first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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