i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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