he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
