i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Damn victory sex feels great
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
