dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
