she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
