this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
