he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
