I wish my penis had an off switch
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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