So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
