Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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