someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
