i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
