Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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