we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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