life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
