i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
