I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
