Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
