Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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