youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So squirting runs in the family.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
