sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize