I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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