Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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