Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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