so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize