my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
