I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
