I'm pants shitting drunk right now
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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