I think I died a long time ago.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
