We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
