I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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