Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had sex on a roof
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize