if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
nutella sex= disaster
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
