How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
