mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
