This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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