Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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