I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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