Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
