I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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