A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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