Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
