I wish my penis had an off switch
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
