just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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