My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
