Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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