I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
