I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
