I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
