Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
